Chris and Jurce watch GREAT BAD MOVIES

“Evil Weed” review by Matt Jurcevich

As the opening credits roll, a very distraught twenty-something girl is partaking in a video confession at a police station.   She is telling the cops that two emotionless Hispanic actors shot a monster on a weed farm and the bloodshed from the beast created some kind of Monsterjuana.   I wish the cinematographer would have borrowed the camera at the police station instead of filming this movie with what I believe is his cell phone.

Now there is a man arguing over money with a cab driver.  The squabble isn’t about how much the fare has amounted to; it’s about how the passenger doesn’t know what money is.  So he pays the cabbie with socks.  Mr. Socks goes to some Asian guy’s apartment where he picks up a fat sack of dope and they have a yelling conversation with one another because the microphone is nonexistent.  Both of these men spew the most annoying and cliché lines at each other and it makes me cringe.

Apparently, there is a big vacation getaway planned for Mr. Socks, Asian Guy and some other terrible actors.  Asian guy gets naked and calls his friend “Business Guy” to tell him that he shouldn’t wear a tie when the sun is shining and also about the vacation plans, I think…  So right before everyone piles into a suv to trek to the “cabin-o-fun”, a extremely attractive woman shows up and Business Guy is super pissed about it because this may put a hindrance on all the gay butt sex he planned to have with Asian Guy.

The next 20 minutes of the movie is basically like watching vacation footage of people that you hate.  If you listen really close, you can hear masterfully written dialogue such as:

Business Guy: “Don’t you find me attractive?”

Hot Girl: “Of course not.”

Business Guy: “Then what’s the problem?”

Finally these dipsh*ts start getting high, but not the normal way that friends do, they each sneak off alone to smoke one by one.  Every time they puff the evilness, we are treated with illustrious visions that showcase the filmmaker’s 18 dollar special effects budget spent at Spencer’s Gifts. 

With 30 minutes left in the movie, no one has been murdered, no boobies have been shown and all that has happened is Mr. Socks got really baked and is walking around staring at everyone and asking where the towels are.  Also, they have given up on screaming at each other so, if by chance you are a big enough numbskull to care about what they are saying and want to hear it, you have to have your TV volume at full blast while wearing state-of-the-art hearing aids.

After some time Mr. Socks goes mad and punches Asian Guy in the stomach and kills him.  I guess the monster that possessed the weed from the beginning was Evander Holyfield.  Then, somehow, a 90 lb. girl takes a flimsy twig from the ground and impales Sock Monster through his chest plate.  To celebrate her triumph, she then bashes her friend’s skull in with a shovel that magically turns into a baseball bat halfway through the scene.

The three remaining survivors have an annoying argument in a dark shed for 10 minutes until they find a harpoon gun to shoot another monsterfied vacationer.  Why there is a harpoon gun in the shed is beyond my comprehension.  It looks like they are in Ohio.  Is there an ocean in Ohio?

I would also like to highlight this exchange:

Business Guy: “Where’s your cell phone?”

Hot Girl: “It’s in the bedroom but I don’t have service.”

Business Guy: “Well I wanna see if you get better service in me let’s put her in the bathtub.”

Just when I thought this movie couldn’t possibly get any worse, they hit Shovel Girl with a car going 12mph and she turns into an oil spot on the pavement.  Then Business Guy just dies.  He didn’t smoke, nothing happened to him, he just dies.  THE END.

If you are going to watch this movie I would suggest rubbing poison ivy on your genitals first.  That way it won’t seem THAT bad.

“Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann” review by Chris Fafalios

Jurce dared me to watch 1982’s “Time Rider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann”. After going to the theaters to see Contagion, Drive, and Dream House over the past few weeks, i knew that it HAD to be at least as good as those pieces of garbage! Right from the start, I knew it would be when I saw that the movie was scored by MICHAEL NESMITH. He’s a freakin’ MONKEE for Christ’s sake! I wasn’t let down by the generic guitar rock that started the movie, and I definitely wasn’t disappointed by all the HOT DIRTBIKE ACTION done by a man dressed like a red Lego dirtbike rider. The man is LYLE SWANN, and I can tell that he’s about to have an ADVENTURE. He’s also SO dang sweaty.

It doesn’t take long for Lyle Swann to show us how he got the nickname TIME RIDER. A bunch of nerd scientists help Kyle and his dirtbike travel 105 years in the past (1982 - 105 = 1877). Although it seems like the scientists were responsible, I completely believe that it was Mikey Nesmith’s synth rock that does the trick. Lyle encounters a man in a straw hat who thinks that Lyle’s dirtbike is so COOL that he literally DIES right there! It was funny and depressing at the same time. What a way to go: death by shock at the sight of a dirtbike.

We are introduced to a gang of cowboy outlaws. The leader has weird teeth. He has a big roll of PINK SILK that he is very proud of. When one of his crew of outlaws says he doesn’t like the silk, the leader kills him by way of shooting him through the silk. After a quick dip in the river, Lyle encounters the outlaws and they shoot at him. Lyle escapes, but now the outlaws WANT HIS MACHINE. Oh, and a naked lady watched all of this from the bushes.

The outlaws try to shoot Lyle Swann, and they obviously miss. The outlaw leader then spews some of my favorite new insults, which I will be sure to use on a daily basis from now on. For example:

“You craphead!”

“You yellow chickenshithead!”

“You yellow craphead!”

The rednecks chase Timerider Lyle for what seems like cinema eternity, until finally a frizzy haired woman hides Lyle in a basement of a pueblo in a small village. She then shoots one of the outlaws in the face and blows his nose off. I was glad that someone finally hit something with a shot, although I felt bad for the poor little outlaw.

About 15 seconds later, Lyle and the frizzy woman are making pretty gross love to each other. They fall in love pretty quickly, especially when she finds out that Lyle can READ. Isn’t that why all guys learn to read though? To impress illiterate women when they travel back in time on a dirtbike? Exactly.

The outlaws end up stealing both the dirtbike AND Claire the frizzy girl. I fall asleep for a little while, and when I wake up, I see the dirtbike crashing over a mountainside. Luckily, there is now a helicopter coming to rescue Lyle. A pair of bloody boots are on the ground. Lyle tries to bring Claire with him back into the future, but instead she just rips off his necklace and shows it to him. Lyle says something stupid (narrator style), and then the credits roll. I am guessing I missed a few things during my doze off session, but I highly doubt I missed much. I love the mysterious music and still shots from the movie during the credits. I feel like a real yellow craphead for kinda watching this movie.

“Stephen’s Test of Faith” review by Matt Jurcevich

Are you ready for some Christian propaganda? My buddy Chris thinks I am, so I took some popcorn to a local priest and had him butter it for me in order to fully enjoy this religious adventure. However I must eat it ravenously due to the fact that this film is only 27 minutes long.

We open with a classroom where the students are taking turns giving presentations on their great grandfathers and how stupid they used to be. After a boy who looks like a uncooked donut wearing a full denim outfit finishes his story, we are introduced to Stephen. Stephen gives a touching speech about a bible his ancestor passed down to him from WWII. Apparently he suffers from a condition where if anyone hears his voice, they are compelled to savagely beat him. Donut and his other bully friends find Stephen after school and take turns busting him in the chops and telling him that bibles are gay. Stephen, having no balls, agrees wholeheartedly and runs home leaving the good book lying in the dirt. If I were him, I would have also left behind that red headed mutant he calls a little sister.

Later we see that Stephen is moping around in his room. His father comes in and tells him that he was named after the first Martyr. He asks, “What’s a Martyr?” to which his father responds with the #1 most UNWANTED answer to that question, “Hang on, I’ll show you.” Unfortunately, instead of nailing Stephen to the wall and mutilating his genitals with a bullwhip until he dies, his dad just starts talking sh*t on Jews until he falls asleep.

Stephen is now dreaming about passages from the bible that are being played out in front of him. For some reason, the boy thinks that Jesus is David Koresh and his followers were 6 foot 4 and white. But hey, dreams are weird. I once dreamt that I was ballroom dancing in a giant bowl of mashed potatoes with my dead dog, who was wearing a tuxedo.

Anyway, Stephen is given a guided tour by the Martyr “Stephen” whom I will call Steve-O. Steve-O shows they boy a Roman family being fed to lions for their beliefs. Steve-O then makes an analogy comparing it to detention after school. He makes a good point, sitting quietly in a room for an hour while doing homework IS a lot like having wild animals devour your flesh.

Now we are magically wisped away to a time where people wear bagpipe sacks as pants and Stephen is dressed like a chef from Benihana. Here we see the most poorly acted scene of betrayal ever between Santa Claus and the drummer from Stone Temple Pilots. I don’t know what is happening, but now Stephen has to watch Ol’ Saint Nick be burned at the stake, which seems to really be taking a toll on our star.

If you think that was confusing, now its what I guess to be the mid 1990’s where people all over the world are being brutally murdered for having bibles and Steve-O tries to hit Stephen in the face with a rock.

Now awake, Stephen rushes out of bed and begins frantically looking for his bible. Then a beautiful montage of the entire movie (which is nothing but people being tortured and killed) ensues while a crappy inspirational rock song titled “Holy O’ Holy” plays in the background. I would like to reiterate that this movie is only 27 minutes long. Is this absolutely necessary?!

Some old guy finds the bible and gives it to Stephen. THE END (fart noise).

“Antichrist” review by Matt Jurcevich

*Disclaimer: This movie is extremely graphic on all fronts, and PLEASE remember that this was Chris’s idea to watch this.*

This movie starts with Willem Defoe’s huge penis penetrating a vagina. No blurring, no mistaking, just full-on Wang Vs. Muff porno action. So Willem and his wife are screwing the daylights out of each other and it is so rough that they are destroying everything in the house such as, the shower, the washer/dryer and basically any furniture or trinket not nailed to the floor. I mean they are REALLY going at it. The couple’s toddler aged son comes downstairs and goes into their bedroom undetected. Then he does exactly what any of us would do if we witnessed our parents having ultra-hardcore sex, jump out of a window and kill ourselves.

Chapter One: Grief

Willem seems pretty bummed that his son off’d himself. His wife has taken the death even worse because in the intro, she seemed decently sexy and now she looks like anorexic Jim Belushi. She begins to say something in a British accent, but it’s kind of hard to listen to drab dialogue after you have just watched a hot meat injection, directly followed by child suicide. Distraught, Wifey looks at her hubby and then pours a significant amount of pills into the toilet. I guess nobody told her that she could have gotten at least 150 bucks for them at the Dairy Queen basketball courts. She realizes the mistake she just made and then the grief kicks in as she begins to weep uncontrollably. Willem consoles her the only way he knows how, with his giant c*ck. They try different coping mechanisms such as “Porky Piggin’ It” which is the act of only wearing a t-shirt and nothing else. But they decide the best way to go about dealing with their sorrow is to travel to a log cabin in the woods. While traversing the forest, Willem sees a deer with an uncooked rump roast hanging out of its ass.

Chapter Two: Pain

After the first night spent at the cabin, Willem wakes up with a bunch of jellybeans stuck to his hand. Then the couple plays a really dumb game that involves walking around the front yard whilst wearing Northern Exposure sweaters. Then a bunch of confusing garbage happens. They fistfight, read poetry, and he is seen working on a geometry equation where acorns = Satan. While pondering this problem, Willem goes for a walk and finds a fox that is devouring its own entrails. The fox tells him that “Chaos Reigns”. If I wrote that scene, I would have the fox say “Spaghet!” which would have been slightly less confusing and way funnier.

Chapter Three: Despair

Willem is bored so he goes into the attack and finds a bunch of weird books and paintings. After reading one of these books he tells Wifey that he is going to kill her. So she runs outside naked and starts finger banging herself in the dirt. He then follows and starts f*cking her and punching her in the face simultaneously. Arms grow out of the tree behind them. End Scene.

The couple is seen back at the cabin talking about their son and then Wifey attacks Willem, pulls his wiener out, and has 4.6 seconds of graphic sex with him directly followed by smashing his nuts with a log. The blow knocks him out cold and while he is unconscious, she gives him a hand job and Heinz Ketchup shoots all over her. She then drills a big hole in his legs and screws a big heavy stone object into it. He awakens and then drags himself into a hole under a tree while his crazy wife is running around the woods screaming. She soon finds him and starts beating him with a shovel.

I feel as though I am just writing in fragments at this point but I do not possess the skills to eloquently convey what the hell is going on. This has to be one of the most random, idiotic pieces of dung ever to be called a movie.

Chapter Four: The Three Beggars (AKA Please be the last chapter)

Wifey drags Willem inside the house and makes him finger her, again. I guess it wasn’t doing much for so she cuts her p*ssy lips off with scissors. She then starts stabbing him with said scissors as he tries to remove himself from the contraption on his leg. He frees himself, chokes her to death and sets her on fire.

Epilogue:

Willem walks through the forest eating berries as opera music plays. Then, for some reason, hundreds of people with no faces start walking by him and he stares at them. The End.

P.S.  There are only 2 reasons to ever watch this movie

1.  Because of this review

2.  If you are curious as to what Willem Defoe’s butthole looks like.

“Runaway” review by Chris Fafalios

Jurce dared me to watch 1984’s “Runaway” starring Tom Selleck. I’m guessing that Jurce dared me to watch this movie because of the cover, which features Tom Selleck looking tough and wearing what appears to be a Nintendo Power Glove (which is impossible, because the Power Glove didn’t come out until years later). This film was written by Michael Crichton, who later would make some movies about dinosaurs and make a billion dollars. At some point in his life, however, Michael Crichton figured it was a good idea to cast the world’s favorite mustached man as a police officer who specializes in battling robots. He also thought it was a great idea to cast Kirstie Alley in the same movie.

Early in the film, Tom Selleck and his new partner in battling robotic crime (played by some TOTALLY BLONDE 80s BABE) go to a field where a small robot is wreaking havoc by making a thin path across a corn field. I love that they go to the field on a HELICOPTER - it’s good to know that taxpayer money is being used to stop tiny robots from slightly messing up the cornfields. Tom alludes to his fear of heights, which I am ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE will come into play at the end of the movie. The two officers save the day by tackling the robot in a very wacky way. The robot explodes, leaving them with dirty faces, which is exactly what would happen on The Flintstones. They give the destroyed robots to the farmers. The farmers barely thank them.

Soon after, Tom Selleck saves a baby from an evil robot that looks like an overhead projector. The baby touches his mustache, and a crowd of people goes nuts. Tom Selleck is all over the news, and his son is very proud. His son is also extremely annoying. Luckily, his son’s robot babysitter (Lois) makes him go to bed. Lois looks like a giant rolling VCR. Tom Selleck and Lois have an entertaining exchange about his son only wanting to eat hot dogs, which leaves me checking to see how far into the movie I am (23 minutes). All this talk about food makes me hungry, and I go into the kitchen to make a sausage and egg croissanwich.

As I eat my breakfast sandwich, my eyes and ears are assaulted by gunshots and chase scenes. Some guy that I don’t know or care about dies, and I feel like I’m reading a book that I’ve been assigned to read in English class where I keep reading the pages over and over and not processing any of it. I try to figure out if this movie is supposed to be in the future, and if so, if they thought that people would still be using Commodore 64 computers in the future. When Kirstie Alley finally makes her first appearance in the movie, she is assaulted with electricity by a robot that looks like the stackable plastic drawers that you buy at Wal-Mart. This is the first thing that I enjoy about the movie.

I stare deeply into the television screen in a daze until I am awoken by Tom Selleck using his one F-word that you’re allowed to use in a PG-13 rated movie. It appears that his blonde robot police partner has been shot. There is a long, drawn-out scene of him removing the bullet from her in which I get up and make a Boca Burger. As I watch it rotate in the microwave, I wonder why Kirstie Alley hasn’t been in the movie more. I then realize that this is the first time that anyone has ever wondered why Kirstie Alley isn’t in a movie more.

When Kirstie finally makes her return, she does it triumphantly by calling Tom Selleck a “shithead”. Shortly after, there is a gratuitous shot of Kirstie in her bra. It seems like Tom Selleck is trying to protect her from someone named “Luther”, but I haven’t paid enough attention to know who Luther is. I get up to get a bowl of pumpkin ice cream, and I realize that terrible movies are going to make me fat. When I get back, I am overjoyed to see that Luther has killed Kirstie by stabbing her in the back of the head and throwing her in the pool. As a Cheers fan, i feel very mean for being happy about that. Michael Crichton has accomplished what he set out to do when he wrote “Runaway”, which I assume was to make people fat and mean.

Luther continues his no-good ways by kidnapping Tom Selleck’s annoying son. For some reason, Tom decides to go rescue him. Luther demands the “templates”, which I assume are templates from the screen printer who will be printing Luther’s “I Killed Kirstie Alley And All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt” t-shirts. The obnoxious boy is sent down an elevator toward a bunch of tiny spider robots that are filled with acid, but Tom’s babe/partner rescues him in the nick of time. Tom Selleck is quickly fired up an elevator until he is high above the city and paralyzed by HIS FEAR OF HEIGHTS (that I totally called at the beginning of the movie). He is attacked by the robot spiders, and soon dangles miles above the city lights. He figures out some dumb way to get out of his precarious situation, only to end up face to face with the one and only LUTHER. Luther obviously gets murdered very violently by the spider robots. They really kill the f*ck out of him. Tom strangles him for good measure, says “I think I finally overcame my fear of heights”, and makes out with his blonde babe partner. It’s the perfect ending to a Tom Selleck movie.

“Warlock 3: The End of Innocence” review by Matt Jurcevich

At first I thought Chris dared me to watch the music video for ”Return to Innocence” by the musical group Enigma, but I was mistaken because this seems to be a movie about a warlock that is shot with a RadioShack camcorder. We open with 1673 New England, 304 years before the birth of their savior Tom Brady. A woman and her young daughter are scurrying through the forest. The woman’s motherly instincts kick in and she tells her daughter to stay put so that she can walk 40 feet away to lean on a tree. The woman comes back and the little girl is gone. End Scene. They must have stayed up all night writing that intro.

After some uber-gay techno credits, it is now present day. A 34 year old college girl is walking back from class on a rainy night. As she opens the door to her apartment a man attacks from behind and starts spanking her. Instead of calling for help she just has sex with him because that’s what college girls do. They show 3 other rooms where the tenants are doing over-the-top Goth stuff like playing with tarot cards and experimenting in bondage filled intercourse, except for one guy who is laying on his bed depressed because he realized what a huge mistake it was enrolling into Hot Topic University.

The next morning, Old/Young Girl (Kris) and her rapist boyfriend (Marquise) are woken up by a phone call of a man telling her that she is the rightful owner of a house owned by her family from centuries ago. Even though her boyfriend thinks houses are stupid, she calls upon “Team Apartment Complex” to aid in her quest to find this newfound property. Before their departure there is an inexplicable quote from Planet of the Apes. I don’t know what they meant by it, but I sure hope there are talking gorillas in this house. This journey requires her to travel hundreds of miles, but luckily she was smart enough to write 5 cursive words and a picture of a tree branch on a napkin in order to guide her to the destination.

Flashback to the forest in 1673. As the woman searches for her missing daughter, she discovers that Warlock has invented leather jackets and hair gel, oh and he has also kidnapped the girl.

Back to present day, Kris finally locates the house. It’s really shitty inside and there is nothing cool to be had. She attempts to leave but her car won’t start. The Warlock has obviously cast the infamous Reverse Jiffy Lube spell on her Hyundai. Instead of calling AAA and getting a tow, she decides to movie into the haunted house. At this point I have to mention that our star has been wearing a ridiculous Blossom hat for most of the film so far. If someone were to ask you, “What was 1992 like?”, you could just hold up this hat and it would completely answer the question.

Some people drink a cup of tea or read a book in order to fall asleep easier. Kris prepares for bed by putting a milk maid dress on and seductively playing with her own titties in the mirror until she becomes sleepy. Her slumber is disturbed by a loud banging noise. Kris walks downstairs to find that it’s her dumb boyfriend and apartment buddies trying to kick the door in, which is really nice of them.

A Reality Bites inspired montage kicks in with the gang uncovering old furniture and blowing the dust off of it. However the scene is cut short because they figured that was enough cleaning and they just drink beer in a picturesque group manner. This was the first time I have ever watched a montage where nothing was accomplished.

Finally the Warlock appears in a squatting position at the foot of Kris’s bed as she sleeps. I can’t tell if he is thinking of diabolic ways to torture her or simply pinching an evil loaf. The next morning, Marquise is seen whipping up a batch of soymilk pancakes for everyone in order to sexually assault their taste buds, when a man from a historical society shows up and very nonchalantly informs them of the many children that have been sacrificed to the devil inside of this house. Of course they think nothing of it and go back to eating.

Warlock shows up pretending to be an architect and telling the gang how cool the house is. He seems like a pretty nice guy until he corners the historian in another room and starts RIPPIN’ THROATS! Kris is very turned on by Warlock’s trachea mangling capabilities and asks him to stay for lunch. Later the gang and our evil star are sitting down to a lunch that consists of cheese wheels and beer with no labels on them. In attempt to save myself from watching them eat a generic dinner in the next scene, I skip forward a little to the serial murders that are obviously going to take place.

Tarot Girl is frozen like a glass statue in a hilarious dancing pose, and Warlock gives her a candlestick wallop that shatters her into little pieces. After that everyone wonders where Tarot Girl is because she was supposed to make sauce for dinner #17 of the day. The Red Headed Slut and the guy who looks like Mike Patton from Faith No More indulge in some weird, nipple clamp sex with Warlock. It doesn’t show how they died so I’m assuming he gave them both Wizard AIDS. Emo kid is given a stern lecture about how girls think he is a toolbag and he is so depressed he stops acting and vanishes from the movie. Seriously, they just stop showing him and nothing happens. Warlock then churns out a wicked guitar solo that melts Marquise’s face off and eventually sets him aflame.

Kris is then tied down to a stone altar where Warlock smears strawberry jams all over her jugs. She only likes grape jelly so she knocks Warlock into a random tub of poop. As he rises from the sludge, she stabs him with a knife and he turns into a goat. The End.

“Home Alone 3: Better Than the First Two”

 review by Matt Jurcevich

As expected with any children’s movie, we open with the Hong Kong Mafia discussing a microchip that guides a nuclear missile. This chip is worth 10 million dollars, which is a lot of money back in 1997. A gangster type fellow and his cronies place this chip into a toy car to get it past airport security. At this point the opening credits are still rolling and I see that the production designer’s name is Henry Bumstead, to which I laugh at heartily because that’s what my Gramma calls peoples asses. The gangsters amusingly misplace their shopping bag with the toy and some old lady picks it up mistakenly.

The geezer and the hidden microchip land in Chicago where it is very crappy outside as always. Macaulay Culkin(Alex) is shoveling this woman’s driveway as she arrives home. Mac has obviously had some cosmetic surgery done since the 2 prequels to this #1 blockbuster. The woman thanks Alex for a job well done and gives him the toy car in return. He thanks her by commencing with some deep bumstead scratching. When he arrives home he walks past his sister played by Scarlett Johansson and goes into the bathroom where he strips down to his skibbies, sees a rash and starts screaming like a banshee. His sister laughingly exclaims “Alex slammed his THING in the toilet seat again”. Our long-shlonged star’s parents diagnose it as chickenpox and he is bedridden.

Across town our villains have devised a plan where they purchase a mutli-million dollar home and fill it with expensive looking surveillance equipment in order to comb the neighborhood for their prized 10 million dollar chip. By my calculations, if they reclaim and sell the chip, they will each walk away with a cool 28 grand after expenses.

I have to mention how sickeningly adorable Alex is. Even though this little perv has a telescope that he peeps around the neighborhood with, you don’t mind because he is a human Care Bear with sass.

Alex’s mother has apparently never heard of child endangerment so she leaves him alone in the house with a potentially life threatening illness. But let’s not kid ourselves here. Nobody watches Home Alone movies for the gripping storyline. We watch in order to witness the gruesome fatalities that take the lives of the villains. I’ll get straight to the point and explain how each bad guy gets annihilated.

The long haired cronie gets electrocuted to the point where a lightning shoots out of his bumstead and then is covered in human feces. Another guy gets his head mangled by an old timey lawnmower and then freezes to death. The female villain falls 3 stories and becomes a quadriplegic. The leader gets his gonads blown off with a shotgun but survives to further pursue Alex. He should have quit while he was ahead because shortly after that he is burned alive by a parakeet.

The Air Force shows up for the chip and removes the distorted remains of the baddies. Alex’s mother is arrested and prosecuted by CPS. Scarlett Johansson grows up to be extremely attractive and have a lucrative acting career. Macaulay Culkin grows up to be ugly as sin and he is also in my celebrity suicide gambling pool. THE END.

“Tomcat: Dangerous Desires” review by Chris Fafalios

Jurce dared me to watch “Tomcat: Dangerous Desires”. I wondered how long it would take before someone dared the other to watch a Late-Night Cinemax movie, and I was pretty sure that Tomcat was going to be exactly that. I held onto the hope that it was a movie about an actual Tomcat, but my hopes were crushed with the passionate love scene that opens the movie.

After the opening gratuitousness, two thugs in silk shirts and leather jackets raid the fridge only to find some big fish. Before they can do any super cool crimes, a shirtless man cuts them with a knife and kicks them down the stairs. The man is incredible handsome, and he fears nothing. He is also fully waxed. I’m assuming that he is RICHARD GREICO, and at this point I have already watched him have two passionate love scenes.

Tomcat rides in a convertible with a short-haired blonde girl and listens to sexy funk music with her. He tries to seduce her by licking the side of her face and insisting that they get a hotel room together. She turns him down, and I have no idea how she resists all that GREICO.

A couple of scientists stick hypodermic needles in some big, disgusting insects. The male scientist wants to “harvest” a cat, and the female scientist doesn’t like that idea. She proves it by throwing bugs all over the place. The male scientist opens up a bunch of secret files and finds a VHS tape labeled “TOM”. There is then a VERY unnecessary bug-smashing scene.

The VHS tape has some great GREICO footage. It turns out that Greico has a genetic flaw that makes him shake. We quickly cut to a scene of Greico doing a dance routine in all spandex. When we cut back to the VHS of Greico, we see that they cut his head open in several places. Each cut is connected to the back of a cat’s head with wires. Now it’s ALL starting to make sense.

Greico finds one of the doctors that turned him into a TOMCAT and lowers a car onto his head. The doctor begs Greico not to smash his skull, but once Greico wants to smash your skull, there’s no changing his mind. Greico celebrates the skull-smash by getting a hotel room with the short-haired blonde girl. Unfortunately, the girl’s husband sees them going into the hotel together. Greico and the girl make passionate love.

Greico walks on a ledge and dares the girl to push him off to prove how dangerous he is. She is thoroughly impressed by his dark side, and the two of them head to the FELINE SEX CLUB. The FELINE SEX CLUB is a place where people dress in leather and dance to generic 90s techno music. Their night is soon messed up when the female scientist shows up and pulls Greico away. Greico doesn’t mind, and he just starts licking and groping the scientist instead. He refers to himself as a “LOVE MONSTER”, which seems pretty accurate. The scientist declines Greico’s offer to “f*ck her”, which seems to be something Greico isn’t used to. The scientist breaks the news to him that he’s basically a freak, but Greico the Tomcat doesn’t mind one bit.

At about 52 minutes into the movie, I realize that Richard Greico as Tomcat is quite possibly the creepiest role I’ve ever seen anyone play. I start to feel gross and bad about life every time he’s on the screen. Everything about him makes it hard to look at the screen. Not helping things is the fact that the plot leaves me longing for an Angela Lansbury movie about Catholic school.

I skip ahead to the last 10 minutes of the movie, just in time to see Greico lick the blonde girl’s face again. She is now running for her life while Greico chases her while doing front flips. Greico chases his blonde former love interest over a sand dune and onto some floating logs, which reminds me a lot of Super Mario Brothers 3 (which is the best thing about this movie so far). She jumps in the river to escape him, because as everyone knows TOMCATS CAN’T SWIM. She jumps in a car to try to escape, but Greico was waiting for her there the whole time. I skip ahead to find her in the water again. She returns home, where Greico is waiting for her. “Cats can swim…they just don’t like to”.

This movie was so bad that it honestly made me angry. I hate trying to pay attention to it, and I hated looking at Richard Greico. Watching Richard Greico movies would be the ultimate punishment. Jurce PUNISHED me by making me watch this. I will remember that when selecting his next movie.

“Cube 2: Hyper Cube” review by Matt Jurcevich

For those of you who aren’t aware, this film is a sequel to the cult hit CUBE, which in my opinion is an immensely entertaining movie. Having said that, I have seen THIS film prior to Chris’s dare and if I remember correctly, I actually enjoyed it. But in all fairness, I was drunk at the time and Chris thinks it sucks so I am going to try to look at it from his point of view and ridicule the bejesus out of it.

The film starts as any good death metal video would, people in hospital beds that are shrouded in plastic. This scene is followed by the opening credits that have sprawling mathematical equations and geometrical diagrams. I never made it past Algebra 2 so your guess is as good as mine on the meaning behind them. The story begins when we see a one-shoed man with active facial herpes freaking out inside a strange white room. In another one of these same rooms is a woman being attacked by a man in a pleather jacket. This woman finally talks some sense into the unfashionable goon and they join forces in attempt to figure out where they are. They go from room to room where they meet different people who are equally as stupid they are. White Lady and Goon are now part of a team that also consists of a blind Asian girl, a dork, a spaz, the most annoying old lady of all time and the enflamed businessman from the intro. Together these shmoes must solve the mystery of The Hyper Cube.

As the group tries to come up with a plan, one of the walls becomes blurry and starts closing in on them. Because he is out of Valtrex, business man decides to handcuff himself to the ladder fixed into the wall. Everyone escapes the room in a rush except White Lady who tries to unlock the man’s handcuffs by slightly jiggling them in the most girly way possible and exclaiming “oh my god” 15 times. She waits until the last second to flee and sees this unexplained force turn the man into beef jerky. In the next room they add a semi-attractive woman to their collection of clueless people. They try to present this woman to be a perfect 10 but the budget wouldn’t permit that so they got a 6, put her in a red dress and hoped no one would notice.

A handful of rooms later, they open a door to a parallel universe where graphics from PowerPoint presentations knock your head off. They quickly close the door and regroup in order to try to make sense out of what they are experiencing. They do a little investigating into what everyone does for a living and find out that the old lady used to work for IZOD, the makers of sweaters with a little alligator on them. Goon becomes enraged that nobody is asking about his jacket that he bought at Lane Bryant and points a knife at everyone until they tell him that he is pretty. Once the dust has settled, they once again have no plan and keep moving.

Another deadly apparition appears in the form of the game Ker Plunk and engulfs the dorky guy in the most uninspired way possible. The special effects in this film would be pretty impressive if it was 1972 and I also had glaucoma.  I have now become bored and I am going to give everyone fake names for the rest of this review in order to amuse myself.

Goon: Tundo Pilkerson

White Lady: Pickles Cash

Spaz: Gifford Buns

Semi-attractive Girl: Laqeesha Snooch

Old Lady: Carmelita Mango

Asian Girl: Chic Korea

Tundo kills Carmelita because he is jealous of her jogging pants and then is baffled as to why the group is running away from him. He figures the best way out of this futuristic maze is to stab everyone in the pancreas. The others disagree with this tactic and split up into groups of two. Nothing much happens that is worth explaining after this, so I will give a finale recap.

Chic is actually the designer of the maze but instead of asking her where the exit is, Tundo gives her a big ol’neck snappin’. Gifford and Laqeesha start having sex until they turn into mummies and I can’t tell if her boobs are grosser before or after. Pickles is actually a government operative inserted into the maze to collect data. After she stuffs a knife into Tundo’s eyeball, she finishes the job and goes Superfly Snooka with some world class WWF top-rope action. She exits the cube and reports to her superiors. They commend her on her efforts and put a bullet in the back of her melon and yet her head goes backwards? Nothing is explained. Chris was right. The End.

“The Wizard” review by Chris Fafalios

Jurce dared me to watch “The Wizard”, which is a movie that I’ve seen several times in my life. I remember it being good, but I think it might be 100% because of the silver screen premiere of SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 3 which left me SPELLBOUND as a kid. My classmates didn’t sign my yearbook “Have a great summer NINTENDO FREAK!!!” for nothing.

An autistic child gets the movie off to a great start by walking down the highway to some of the hottest late 80s adult contemporary music imaginable. This is where we first hear his catch phrase - “California”. A cop captures the boy and puts him in what looks like a very fun jail. In the next scene, we learn that the boy’s brothers are Fred Savage and Christian Slater. I don’t have any brothers, and I got really upset just thinking about having two brothers as cool as Fred Savage and Christian Slater. Fred Savage is determined to not let his younger brother be put into a mental instituation. Christian Slater is kind of a prick though, and he doesn’t care. All Christian Slater cares about is going to the Dairy Queen and “knocking back a few”. I’m assuming he meant Dilly Bars.

Fred Savage kidnaps his little brother (Jimmy), and they hitch a ride in the back of a Hostess truck. Jimmy stays at some sort of home already, and the people who run the place apparently hate Jimmy. Jimmy’s dad (played by the classic Dad actor Beau Bridges) and Christian Slater begin their search for Fred Savage and Jimmy, but not before some weird man in one of those rope necktie things warns them to not to get in his way.

Fred Savage and Jimmy try to buy a bus ticket, but they’re 203 dollars short or so. Jimmy plays some Double Dragon at the bus station. He scores 50,000 points, which seems to be a lot of points judging from Fred Savage’s reaction. I wasn’t all that impressed though, because it seemed like Jimmy was only on the first stage of Double Dragon. The boys soon meet Jenny Lewis from Rilo Kiley, and of course Fred Savage INSTANTLY brags about Jimmy’s Double Dragon score (which is exactly what I would do if I met Jenny Lewis). They make a bus ticket bet that Jimmy can beat Jenny Lewis’s score, and I can’t really figure out why anyone would even care about a score on Double Dragon because it seems more like a game that you try to “beat” than get a high score. If it was Tetris or something, I’d understand wanting to get a high score. I force myself to suspend disbelief and take this plot oversight for what it is. Some edge-of-your-seat Double Dragon action ensues, and Jimmy wins the bet.

Christian Slater and Beau Bridges have some wacky driving experiences which are barely worth mentioning. The next scene, however, is very much worth mentioning. Fred Savage, Jenny Lewis, and Jimmy sit at a table in a diner which has a NINJA GAIDEN machine installed into the table top. Jimmy completely tears up NINJA GAIDEN while listening to New Kids On The Block “The Right Stuff”. This scene pretty much sums up my childhood, and I start to maybe think that this movie should be on GreatGREATMovies.com instead of GreatBADMovies.com. I do realize that there’s a lot of movie to go though. Jimmy says “California” again, and I come up with a great new drinking game: every time someone says “California” in The Wizard, you take a shot of Wild Turkey and look up a fact about autism. It could be fun and super educational.

Jenny Lewis comes up with the idea of entering Jimmy in a video game contest that pays tons of money. Back at the zany part of the movie, Beau Bridges beats the crap out of a car with a shovel. Jenny, Fred, and Jimmy hitch a ride on a cow truck, but when Jenny starts counting her 21 dollars worth of 1 dollar bills, the trucker goes MONEY CRAZY, pulls the truck over, and steals her money. Luckily, Jimmy hustles a couple of geezers playing Super Mario Brothers at a restaurant. The kids hitch a ride with a motorcycle gang, and a 4 minute long montage set to a song called “Send Me An Angel” watches them travel across the country.

At a restaurant where Jimmy is making a hustle, some nerd tells them about LUCAS, who is apparently THE SH*T at videogamin’. When we first see Lucas, he is wearing very cool sunglasses, along with a very cool trenchcoat with very cool short shorts underneath. He brags about having 97 Nintendo games, but not before Jenny Lewis calls him a BUTTHEAD. Lucas shows Jenny Lewis who the REAL butthead is, though. He breaks out his POWER GLOVE and plays RAD RACER with it. Jenny Lewis is amazed by Lucas’s Power Glove display. Lucas turns to them, and says one of the GREATEST MOVIE QUOTES OF ALL TIME…

“I love the Power Glove…it’s so bad”. - Lucas

Christian Slater and Beau Bridges share a hotel bed and play some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for Nintendo. Some bullies catch up to the kids and beat them up. We find out that Jimmy isn’t actually autistic, just traumatized since his sister died. The kids go to a casino and use a giant black man to gamble for them. They win 400 bucks and only give him a 10 dollar tip. Fred Savage and Jenny Lewis train Jimmy on all the cool Nintendo games by way of montage. Christian and Beau get in a big car mash-up with their child-hunter arch nemesis, and they use up all of their swear word quota for a PG-rated movie in one scene.

The bad guy in the rope necktie catches up with the kids in Reno, but Jenny Lewis saves the day by screaming “he touched my breast!” I store this little nugget away for the next time someone tries to kidnap my friend. They stop at Jenny Lewis’s trailer in the middle of the desert, and unfortunately the jerk snatches Jimmy up there. Luckily, Jenny Lewis’s giant black trucker friend and all his trucker buddies surround the guy and beat him up. The large black trucker (Spanky) is one of the greatest men I’ve ever seen. He gives the kids a ride to the Video Game Championships in Los Angeles. I take a minute to look Spanky up on IMDB.com. He is played by Frank McRae, a former NFL player who has played everyone from Frank McFee in “Mr. P’s Dancing Sushi Bar” to Pig the Burglar on “Magnum P.I.”

Some weird, loud, sweaty guy is hosting the Video Game Championships. Jimmy and LUCAS both make it past the first NINJA GAIDEN round of the tournament. Lucas takes an opportunity to talk some serious SH*T to Jimmy. Lucas then takes his place in the DICKH*AD HALL OF FAME by pointing Jimmy out to the bad guy! At this point, everyone is in LA looking for Jimmy: the bad guy, Jimmy’s deadbeat Mom and Stepdad, Christian Slater, Beau Bridges, and John Cusack (not really).

It is now time for the greatest movie moment of my childhood: VIDEO ARMAGEDDON. A giant robotic door opens to reveal Jimmy standing there, ready to TEAR IT UP. The giant screens open above him to reveal SUPER MARIO BROTHERS 3 for the first time in every kid in America’s life. It was the most beautiful sight that I’d ever seen up to this point in my life. Jimmy finds a WARP ZONE and flies ahead to the world where everything is really big. Everyone is super happy for Jimmy and thinks he’s the greatest kid ever. Even the bad guy is cheering for him. Jimmy smiles. I get chills.

On the ride home, Jimmy says “California” like 10 times in a row, and at this point I have to take a break to go throw up from chugging Wild Turkey and learning about neural development disorders. They hang out inside of a big dinosaur, where Jimmy had once spent time with his sister before she died. He leaves his lunchbox full of sister memorabilia there, and it’s too sad of a moment to even make fun of. Jimmy kisses Jenny Lewis in the back of a pickup truck. The end.