“Stephen’s Test of Faith” review by Matt Jurcevich
Are you ready for some Christian propaganda? My buddy Chris thinks I am, so I took some popcorn to a local priest and had him butter it for me in order to fully enjoy this religious adventure. However I must eat it ravenously due to the fact that this film is only 27 minutes long.
We open with a classroom where the students are taking turns giving presentations on their great grandfathers and how stupid they used to be. After a boy who looks like a uncooked donut wearing a full denim outfit finishes his story, we are introduced to Stephen. Stephen gives a touching speech about a bible his ancestor passed down to him from WWII. Apparently he suffers from a condition where if anyone hears his voice, they are compelled to savagely beat him. Donut and his other bully friends find Stephen after school and take turns busting him in the chops and telling him that bibles are gay. Stephen, having no balls, agrees wholeheartedly and runs home leaving the good book lying in the dirt. If I were him, I would have also left behind that red headed mutant he calls a little sister.
Later we see that Stephen is moping around in his room. His father comes in and tells him that he was named after the first Martyr. He asks, “What’s a Martyr?” to which his father responds with the #1 most UNWANTED answer to that question, “Hang on, I’ll show you.” Unfortunately, instead of nailing Stephen to the wall and mutilating his genitals with a bullwhip until he dies, his dad just starts talking sh*t on Jews until he falls asleep.
Stephen is now dreaming about passages from the bible that are being played out in front of him. For some reason, the boy thinks that Jesus is David Koresh and his followers were 6 foot 4 and white. But hey, dreams are weird. I once dreamt that I was ballroom dancing in a giant bowl of mashed potatoes with my dead dog, who was wearing a tuxedo.
Anyway, Stephen is given a guided tour by the Martyr “Stephen” whom I will call Steve-O. Steve-O shows they boy a Roman family being fed to lions for their beliefs. Steve-O then makes an analogy comparing it to detention after school. He makes a good point, sitting quietly in a room for an hour while doing homework IS a lot like having wild animals devour your flesh.
Now we are magically wisped away to a time where people wear bagpipe sacks as pants and Stephen is dressed like a chef from Benihana. Here we see the most poorly acted scene of betrayal ever between Santa Claus and the drummer from Stone Temple Pilots. I don’t know what is happening, but now Stephen has to watch Ol’ Saint Nick be burned at the stake, which seems to really be taking a toll on our star.
If you think that was confusing, now its what I guess to be the mid 1990’s where people all over the world are being brutally murdered for having bibles and Steve-O tries to hit Stephen in the face with a rock.
Now awake, Stephen rushes out of bed and begins frantically looking for his bible. Then a beautiful montage of the entire movie (which is nothing but people being tortured and killed) ensues while a crappy inspirational rock song titled “Holy O’ Holy” plays in the background. I would like to reiterate that this movie is only 27 minutes long. Is this absolutely necessary?!
Some old guy finds the bible and gives it to Stephen. THE END (fart noise).